First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
