it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
