So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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