i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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