Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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