if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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