does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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