wrigley field is MILF paradise
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
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