I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
