I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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