I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
