i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
