I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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