Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize