Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
