now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
