apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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