I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
