I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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