I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Randomize
