my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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