It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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