you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
