I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
