Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
