im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
