look no pants
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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