I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
