she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
