I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Randomize
