God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
