i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
That accounts for only three of the penises
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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