hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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