Four minutes until I can fart!
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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