I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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