The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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