I feel great
I just peed on a car
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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