I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
