Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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