how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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