The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
i now understand why vodka
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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