6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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