this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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