I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
