I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
