Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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