You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
