i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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