Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
