Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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