Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
