I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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