Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
