Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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