Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
handjob tips. give me some.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
