I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Pooping to opera.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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