I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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