cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize