Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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