I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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